Fuck Happiness
Drinking chai I made over the stove that is now cold. Avoiding Ming dynasty prose homework. Wondering if it’s still drizzling.
It’s rainy days like these that make one just want to sit in bed. And sitting in bed leads inevitably (for me) to letting all those thoughts that I spend all day avoiding bubble up.
The last lines of the bubbles’ subsequent journal entry are as follows:
“We want to be reassured that there are people in this world who can love and accept us. But we should also accept that it’s necessary to love ourselves and be alone once in a while.”
I think that people put too much stock in the “pursuit of happiness.” Not that happiness is a bad thing. But I think when people start using the term they begin to lose the idea of an individual fulfillment and begin rather to use society’s yardstick. What is happiness then? Success? A family vacation? A dog in a fenced yard?
So the happiness that I see most people chasing looks like a lie to me. Or rather, self deception. We fill our heads with phat beats to beat out any disturbing thought. We coax out our better selves through the necks of glass bottles every night. We take the hits and smoke out our truths like beekeepers gassing hives to sleep. We covet and crave the lifestyles and effects of the faces on screens. But who would want to be that 2 dimensional?
I hope I’m not falling flat.
I used to be afraid of being alone. I wanted best friends. I wanted inside jokes. Now I get scared sometimes while around people. Not when I’m around people I relate to. There’s nothing more I like than having open and provoking conversation with others. But it’s scary to me when there’s that full and heavy silence- full of what? Reservations. The fear that we won’t find that acceptance. And then I ask myself- if I am afraid with you, why do I spend these heavy moments with you? Why shouldn’t we just go back to ten minutes ago when you said something trivial and I laughed.
Because I guess it can’t always be that easy. And if it were I wouldn’t want it.
This got way too personal. This was just supposed to be out there. But I guess in the end, it’s all a part of wanting
to relate.
